I had what was close to a nervous break down a few weeks ago, i managed to recovered from it.

I was in a peptual state of panic. let me tell u.. that aint know fun. I lost lots of weight in a single month from that alone.. i think.

Like i use to use the third hole on my belt. im now on my fiith, could do sixth if i wanted.

It seems from there my depression has gotton worse overall, it might be to do with age...

But what the fuck am i doing? Im so lonley and i feel im on the verdge of going mad, not helped by being autistic, but thats just personal to me of course

I know people on the spectrum do great things and feel great about it. I feel like my light has gone out and its horrifying.

I got on to meds about a month ago and thats helped i think, i got some antriptaline for sleep to, i think i seriously needed that.

Im thankful to have a thearpist at least.

I feel like all my dark disturbing thoughts have caught up with me, like im paying the price for living the way i have. Its not fucking fair. I was never social like everyone else, and everything scared me from day one. so why the hell was my diagnoses so late, if it was discovered early i could have learned more about my self at a time where i could have intergrated into the world better. Now i dono who i am and i hate it. It didnt bother me before.. but im older now, maybe thats why.

I feel so angry and hateful, but so sad and anxious. Its really hard to get intrusive thoughts about self harm and suicide out of my head. At the very least, i am in a slightly better place then I was about a month ago.. that was pure hell.

Its been a struggle just to get to this point where i can actually write and update people who follow me!

Seriously i couldnt do anything, i had to lay down and just watch tv and even that was a struggle, i was on the floor going mad. My emotions all over the place.

Anyway, i dont know if il return. I want to keep my social media stuff active and stuff. My gumroad too. I was at least able to do some productive stuff, although not strictly hentai, but practice that good improve my overal quailty of content if i did return.

Thanks everyone who supported me on patron, and everyone who watches me on furaffinity and follows me on twitter and newgrounds.

xxxx