I been thinking about it and as painfull as it is.. i can't see the benfit of being with her, even though we were together for 7 years now.
I just can't see a future with marriage and kids, the very idea makes me bitter and angry, we dont see eye to eye sexually and never have sex with the exception of some sexual action once in a full moon. So once every two weeks if im lucky and even though she only wants to be fingered and thats it, anything else annoys her and thus its not fun for me and i even feel guilty about it. Why the fuck did i end up with a vanilla casual type who treats anything sexual as taboo and "wrong". It annoys the hell out of me, since couples romance can come from the fact that they accept each others sexual desires. Romance does not have to be tradiditional, it can just come merely from sex or acceptance of sex, if that makes sense.
But it depends on the person and i guess im just with the wrong type.
There is also my feelings towards homoerotic stuff. I have attraction towards men or feminine men and its stronger than ever. Its hard to tell if maybe this is just some kind of desire to get me out of this relationship (e.g the cheating with a man is somehow less offensive to a women) Once im single again i could suuddenly have no attraction at all towards men.. who knows.
Anyway its literally the crux of my life right now all the depression and meds are part of it. But lack of friendship and this relationship feels like the real boulder in my life. If i become single i risk becoming a proper bitter and angry hermit and i already am, but i feel id become a real incel with hatred in my heart. On the other hand i could branch out and meet someone new, maybe even make some friends, maybe if im confident enough, but there is no garantee. I feel sociailly inept. But maybe being single might make me feel refreshed and motivated to start a new.
My gf loves me alot, and in some ways im lucky.. but she knows i dont feel the same way about her. I even told her to "find someone else" and that i cant see a marriage or kids in the future with her.. she seems to have partially accepted it, but holds on unconciously to an idea that maybe i might change my mind..
its hard to cut things of espeically because of COVID. She has enough money and a caring father who would spot her if shes desprate, so im sure she can find a place to live and look after her self, she sould be able to get a job and if not im sure her dad might be able to give her some online work.
I feel she is minching of living with me and my perants, she is one of those "push comes to shove " people i think.. she wont budge unless she HAS to. And I hate that, cus im the one who has to trigger it. Id rather she would just have the indeprence to find a job or at least try to monetize the stuff she does (she lives voice acting and drawing).
I shouldnt have to worry about her is what im saying. ...
regardless i do care about her. But some might say its even cruel for me to keep this going when i feel this way. But its hard since her stuff is at my perants house and there is ALOT of it.. but maybe i shouldnt care about it, its not my problem.. im sure she could rent a big enough place that can fit it and afford it too, i think.
The thing is a part of me thinks maybe i could let things play out naturelly.. that maybe over time it will really sink in and she will leave and we will go our seperate way naturally with out me having to make a clean cut. But i cant hold onto that.. Regardless, COVID and the approaching xmas is not really the right time to make a clean break..
so my plan for now IS to let things go as they are.. but allude to the fact that i want to move on.. then in january try to actually confront her more, and ... somehow get her to move on.
It will be painfull, i hate it, i hate having too much empathy for her, and she is only a little better than me at socialising.. thankfully she does have a good friend about an hour away.. im hoping her friend will play a role in looking after her when we break up, im sure she will.
IF i do break up with her, i wont be that active and probebbly not respond on discord or furaffinity that much, i dono what will happen.
I hate thinking about it, id rather gut myself or cut myself to be honest. I cant imagine breaking up, i just dono how it would go down and i hate it so much.
if she was more sociable and more indepdant and out going and active.. then it would not bother me as much, then id know she would be fine and get over it.
But she has said before that i am her "ties" as it were, to the world. In other words i am the few things that keep her wanting to live. Which is a fuck tone of pressure on me. So yeah she does allude to suicide and has done so before. I had to stop her from leaving the house at 2am, as she wanted to go to the ocean and drown. Wtf if she tries to do that again once she finds out i really want to end it?
i actually hate my thearpist in some ways, saying that it could be considered cruel to keep the relationship going. Yet if i break up with her and she kills herself, people would blame me for that to. Fucking sexism is bullshit, for a progressive society, everyone still sees women as weak and men as strong and in charge. ITs such bullshit, we are not progressive we just pretend to be, i hate it. I feel if i got married to her and had a kid, id eventually end up like Jack Torrence from the Shining.. bitter, pissed of and a fucking failure of ambitious plans, like writing a novel but having a job as a hotel caretaker.. then id take it out on my wife and son.. seriously it feels like such a typical set up for a sexual repressed pissed of husband.. then once tragedy strikes, nobody would have any sympathy.. just "oh well hes the bad guy and was always bad"
I don't want to end up like that.
I dono, i just want to die sometimes and thats why i think the relationship and friendship is perhaps the foundation of my depression and anxiety and that the medication and other problems are like the superficial side of it.. its very difficult to tell...
I guess my ideal situation would be to have a partner, male or female who was like me.. wants to go outside sometimes, have kinky sex and quite often and not be ashamed of it. but also loving and active.. encouring each other to be ambitous.. And then my ex girlfriend would be living near her friend and have a job and some good friends, either the chances of a new boy friend on the horizen.
That would be ideal i think...
I feel like i dont have many things to grasp onto. What i mean is, i dont think i have experienced enough to hold on to reality. I have had little friendship or experiences in the outside world, i still feel like im 12...
Its like i never progressed.. So yes, being single is scary because then it really would hit home.. im still that angsty teenage inside his room with no friends or social skills. A trait that perants stupidly think is common and "normal" no no no. My older brothers literally made fun of me for it at one point. Saying that indeed, i have not progressed from a 14 yr old.
And being a hermit is dangrous as far as im concerned. Like randy stair.. Ok don't take that too seriously. I just mean, being loney and bitter it's easier to see the barebones of.. well a bad person.
both me and my gf are isolated, tho she is more social online but ironically does not go outside as much as me. This is why it bothers me alot. I think normally an avarage couple have friends and are outgoing.. so if a break up happens, its hard but they have friends to go to and spend time with. My gf's father lives in another country so family is not really an option for her.
Well theres my rant.
I only express this to help myself, but also i guess, for when the time comes, i will not likely be active or doing coms. And i might either be very active in communication or shut off, i dono. I am hoping to that writing this will give me some kind of perspective, like a diary.