Seriously, I feel terrible again. Yet my life is good.. im in a good position, my life is secure, there are people who love me. i have mostly what I want.
Yet I can't stop getting morbid thoughts out of my head and they are getting worse I think.
Twice now I cut myself in the woods, both not because i was upset.. but simply because I wanted to, felt the urge to. I am not religous yet i found myself praying a few times out of desperation.
But then there is the hatered anger and violent thoughts towards others. Il be relaxing with my head on my partners chest and close my eye, tired. Then thoughts of stabbing them and cuting them or beating them about the head just fill me and its fucking horrible. Its a similar sensation to when you play a video game all day and try to sleep.. naturally you can't get the game out of your head.
I can stand depression but hatred towards others just drains me. And then I think of someone like Randy Stair.. jesus christ I find myself being somewhat reletable towards him. Not entirely thank god. I don;t want to end up like that, id rather die first and foremost. I wonder if he was autistic.. I bet he was, maybe eric and dylan too. I mean they do meet the criteria.. you could make a theory that they were.
If you worried.. please don't, id hang myself way before id get to the point of hurting others.
I know a couple people who went on prozac and describe having more confidence and energy but that this eventually causes alot of unwanted things. And I guess for me if your mind is in a dark place, the last thing you want is more energy being channelled in there.
I think the awnser might be to go off prosac and maybe go on 2.5mg of aripiprazole.
aripiprazole is an antipsycotic drug (lmao never thought id see the day id have to take something like that) normally used to treat bipolar and scizophrenia. But there are studies showing it helps people with autism and their anxiety or obsessive thoughts. Its a serious drug though with side effects.. but 2.5mg cant be that bad?!
If it helps it helps. Id rather go on it. Maybe its not the prozac fucking with me. It did help alot in the beggining, it gave me much needed energy. But its not helpful now, so whats the point. Doctors always think "ah your still depressed, lets up the dosage" no no no, not a good idea. Im on 40mg, still quite a high dosage.. id rather just bring it down to 20 and see if that helps.