Haven't felt this bad in a while. Depression and anger are a really realllly bad mix.
welp i will always take it out on myself either way. Ppl should be grateful for that. There are some who believe depression is repressed anger, and i can i kinda see what they mean. But god fucking dammit i feel so stuck, so alone and so very much caged. But ironically i am not, I can go out I can do things I can function quite well. I am going to find out soon, that i am proberbly autistic, or on the high functioning end. Not the end of the world but i don't know how I will react, maybe some releief at finally knowing more about myself.
I feel fucking gay and I want to move on from my partner. She sweet but vanilla as fuck and we don't gell as well as she thinks. But I care about her alot and feel for her. I have too much empathy, I dono how to break upl. I have no friends, I dono how to progress, I cant socialise that well besides text and even that is riddled with gramor and spelling errors and my sentances are a bit off in general. I guess at this point im venting, and I am hoping it will help me. Thats why i am doing. Not attention I just need to say some things, but writing in a diary does not have the same inpact, i feels insulting to have to keep these things to myself in a shity little book.
dfsdfsf you might have heard of misanthropy. Sadly I am very much one of those cynical people. And its getting so much worse. I feel content for literally everything, every tiny little detail, someones body language, the look of someones face. seeing magazines and adverts that most would think is normal I see as pure braindead monkeys. Its really hard knowing how to deal with anger, anger at myself and everyone. Thats partly why i make hentai and extreme scat hentai. Its my way of saying fuck you. But in more recent times i have enjoyed it and even make money from it, yes it is sexual but part of it is satiracal too.
I I do all the right things, i stay productive, i work, i excersize, my diet is pretty damn good. Im on meds, I see thearpists and getting diagnosis but I feel like fucking trash. I am out of place and in my own little world. I hate my country and I hate those damn normies everywhere. I am hateful but the tragic part is that I was not always like that. I have just become more and more bitter and now i feel like an old grumpy man.
OI should proberbly go to bed.
If I ever do a face reveal, thats a bad thing, it means i dont plan on existing much longer.
peace i guess, as much as i hate everything, i still feel a bit of hope and love. I still care about people and i still fantasize about them doing well and being happy. But sometimes thats just not enough. Well whatever, I guess tmw is another day. *Shivers* *remembers Tommorow Comes Today by Gorrilaz, a really dark danky song that is somehow relatable*
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